One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
where are you?
Hypothermia
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
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