i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Randomize