just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
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