Sry I called you an 8
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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