Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
