we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
