Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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