the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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