I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize