Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
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