hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
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