Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
