While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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