I am puke
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Randomize
