you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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