My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
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