last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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