i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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