I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I'm getting married
To pizza
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
