i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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