i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
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