Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Randomize
