It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
