last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Please advise as to how precisely ashamed I should be if I just became sexually aroused by a Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince preview
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
