We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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