I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
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