Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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