well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
