Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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