Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Randomize
