Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Randomize
