I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
