I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Dicks are not precious.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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