dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
