I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Randomize
