I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
