2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
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