His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
