my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
