Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Randomize
