it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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