oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Randomize
