and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
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