mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Randomize
