I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
