theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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