Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
