During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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