just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
