So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Randomize
