he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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