I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Randomize
