You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Randomize
