Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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