we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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