Your face is a jimmy john
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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