I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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