If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Randomize
