my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
