I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
